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Bonusmaterial från i lördags – den lättälskade Daniel Higgs –

Daniel Higgs at Debaser, STHLM, SWE 31 oct from Daniel Westerlund on Vimeo.

”Say God despite that which prevents one from saying God.”

Appendix. Funnet brev i bok på antikvariatet. Från Syster ”R***” till ”S***”

”Christ is Risen!”

May 4, 1999

My dear S***,

You have been on my mind & in my prayer so very much. Thank you for your last letter. I’m so relieved for you now that Walter as granted you a release & that you are now able to relate to him in a friendly way & that the boys can also have a positive relationship with their father. I could say more about this but want to spend more time talking about you.

We must realize that God is NOT absent: it’s simply our feelings that make him seem so far away. God is everywhere [& yet ”no where” because God cannot be confined]. You are experiencing NEW LIFE (=resurrection) by the recent events… by your realizing some things about yourself that may have led you or rather attracted you to relationships that end up in sorrow… dead ends (in English = a ‘dead-end’ metaphor comes from a ‘dead end street’ – one that leads to nowhere = ends abruptbly). This insight is new life even if painful. And it is not surprising to me that you experience at the same time relief and also loneliness and a certain flatness in your feelings.

You say you feel a kind of loneliness you have not yet experienced… ”God is there but He doesn’t want me now.” Oh yes, S***, he does want you now (as always) – but it’s you that must relate now to him (& others) (AND to yourself) differently. How differently? First of all, trust all the while walking in the dark. Trust in what? Trust first that God is Love, that he wants the best for us all; that he has already given you all you need & that you have within yourself many untapped potentials. The Spirit of God is within us but it is we who must activate this spirit which is our spirit. It’s important to realize that feelings can get in the way. And so it’s a very good thing that you do not feel God present. Do not try to ”look for God, to see Him”. Don’t strain yourself. Simply pray as an act of your will to please him – prayer that expresses your intention to do his will – to become who you really are. But do not seek confirmation on any kind of security in prayer.

You say when you pray you get angry & sad. Now why is it? Because you seek God & he seems absent? If this is so, then what may be happening is: you are expecting something tangible in your prayer, some sort of answer…. & are you sad & angry because there is no ”answer”? So in point of a fact, indirectly God is answering you! By not answering. This is the way it should be. How can we take hold of our lives & live responsibly, go out into the dark in faith (this is God’s will!), if we think God is somehow ”out there”, ”near us”, leading us by the hand? No, S***, these feelings of a new kind of loneliness are good for you! It’s the consequence of no longer relying on your past patterns of finding too much support in outer things, people (particularly those unhealthy relationships with married men.) Will talk more about this at another time – that is, this sense of aloneness.

We could talk about theses things – I hope I’m not confusing you. Please ask me if some things I’ve said are hard to grasp.

Before closing: do you have a computer? Do you have access to internet or have e-mail? Have you heard of St. Nina’s Quarterly? A very good circular letter (4x a year) for women in the orthodox church for expressing their ideas; their problems in church life etc…

I think it would be very good for you ”meet” some of these women even if it’s through e-mail.

You have a tremendous amount of life within yourself, S***. You are already much alive & give life but there’s still so very much you have yet to tap into!

You sent me 40 dollars last year. I’m thinking of sending you some reading material. When you have understood more, how much more free you will be. ”The truth will make you free” – so Christ has said. And I know it to be so.

You are so frequently close in my thoughts!

Love & prayer –

Sister R***.

Ps. I think you are doing very well!

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